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Saturday, July 31, 2004
ya. bored. danny called at 10 this morning. i called at 11, but his mom said he was in the shower and that she would have him call me back when he got out.....guess hes still in the shower! j/p! :) um....... im about to go call him right now though to see what he needed. goin campin tomorrow with Mish. fun fun fun. for a week. will miss my friends. k gonna go. ciao.
p.s. Danny if your reading this....HE DOESNT!!!! Jess at 4:56 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Monday, July 26, 2004
ya. just got back from marine world and it was like the best time ive had all year long. it was freakin awesome. had so much fun. but ya. about to go to a meeting for soccer. i love soccer. been playin for 11 years!!!!!! amazing aint it. thats a lot. cool. this year i go co-ed so i play with guys in my team, and against guys. fun fun fun. partys at 6:00 so i better go. ciao!!!!
Jess at 5:34 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Sunday, July 25, 2004
hey! i couldnt finish my last post but whatever. this ones gonna be sort. partied at caseys all day. then we went to the movies. came home and watched tv. going to marine world with mish and her tomorrow. im happy as can be!!! its great!!!! ciao!!!
Jess at 10:06 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Saturday, July 24, 2004
wtf???? i was feeling good. even when i woke up. it was like a freakin miracle. then, to get to this blog, i go onto the blog that danny doesnt use anymore and i just click on the blogger heading. well. i kinda scrolled down a little. and i ended up reading the first line, and only the first line of the poem that danny wrote for me, and AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i got like the worst feeling in the world!!!! it sucked!!!! i hate it!!!! but whatever!!! i kinda like someone else. just a little though. i wouldnt even call it "liking" its not even that much. and i didnt force myself to try and like this person. i just kinda had a couple little feelings for him. but i try to think about htis person to try and make me happy, and i was. then i saw the poem and i thought of this person, but it didnt work!!!!!! ig2
Jess at 9:39 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
wtf???? i was feeling good. even when i woke up. it was like a freakin miracle. then, to get to this blog, i go onto the blog that danny doesnt use anymore and i just click on the blogger heading. well. i kinda scrolled down a little. and i ended up reading the first line, and only the first line of the poem that danny wrote for me, and AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i got like the worst feeling in the world!!!! it sucked!!!! i hate it!!!! but whatever!!! i kinda like someone else. just a little though. i wouldnt even call it "liking" its not even that much. and i didnt force myself to try and like this person. i just kinda had a couple little feelings for him. but i try to think about htis person to try and make me happy, and i was. then i saw the poem and i thought of this person, but it didnt work!!!!!! ig2
Jess at 9:39 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Friday, July 23, 2004
ok. me and lin actually figured out a for us to hang out at the creekwalk together. and then like boom! bazooka joe! i drive around for an hour with my mommy and i cant find her. i got out of the car and walked through a gajillion people and went to the park wher she first wanted to meet but she wasnt there!!!!! so i had to come home, and i dont know what happened? she was proly lookin for me for the whole time. she doesnt have a cell phone, so i couldnt reach her. but i ont blame her, cause neither do i. i was all happy that we actually got to hang out. but shit happens. miscommunication. damn thats a long word when you write it! i really need to call Danny. but wtf. what am i suppossed to say? everyhting i want to tell him? NO!!!! i dont think so. hfjkhvjjshzflsa g!!!!!!! when i get mad......i hit the keyboard. whatever. Ill call him when i want to. i really dont care. peace out. chow. c ya. ciao.
Jess at 11:13 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
ya. goin' over Michelles house for the third time again. suppossed to hang out with Lin today, and i really hope i get to. we need to have one of those "serious" talks. whatever. im the one that wants to talk, but it just sucks sometimes. me michelle and casey are sounding really good, and vona said she could probobly still do the singing, so our band should start to sound even better! it makes me more happy to know that we all have worked so hard to get to this point and ive had....we've ALL had a lot of support from everyone. it just hurts knowing that one of my biggest supporters isnt there anymore. well, i guess hes there, just not like he used to be. whatever. i had a shitty morning, and i woke up pounding on my pillow, cause this whole situation is driving me crazy. i thought everything was gone, but no, the only place im really happy and where no one can say or do shit to me is when im sleeping. im peaceful there. off in my own little world. but right before i go to sleep, right before i absolutley know im about to be happy in my sleep. i think to myself everynight. i have to look forward to a morning of hell when i wake up. cause i know that thats when all the feelings run continuosly through my head. yep. thats when i get the worst of it. soooooooooo. thats what i wake up to every morning. and it sucks knowing that thats whats gonna happen when i wake up. i mean think about it. knowing your gonna feel like shit every morning when you wake up? ya. not a good feeling. the only time im really happy outa the house is when im with my friends. or unless theyre at my house. ya. you get it. im gonna go call michelle. ciao.
Jess at 9:07 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Thursday, July 22, 2004
hey. case and mish are over my house right now. they both slept over. i was actually happy for once. we had fun. we might go to this fair thing and ya. to look at caseys art and pictures. it should be fun. um.... caseys talking to her mom rihgt now and she says she doesnt want to take us to it so shes trying to convince her to, but i dont think its working. ok, so i guess were not gonna go now. damn. that sucks. but were gonna have practice at michelles house again. i was actually happy for once and it felt good. i still woke up 4 times in the middle of the night though. whatever. guess were gonna go to michelles later. ok, im bored. gonna go now.ciao.
Jess at 11:14 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Manda. if you really wanna read the main post on here. scroll down to june 29. i wrote like right after me and Danny broke up. its the longest posyt in the world and takes like 10 minutes to read, but its worth it. some of the other ones after that are me talking to him. but the others are mainly me writing to myself. you dont have to read all those if ya dont want to. its just me talking like im crazy! j/p! ok, talk to ya tomorrow! ciao!
Jess at 7:37 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
Life really fuckin' sucks. Lin is with her dad, but im happy she go to see him. Mish is with Whitney. Manda, Lily and Anthony are together. Brian is in pismo, and Caseys phone line is busy. so there is absolutely no one to talk to. im gonna see if Casey can spend the night though. i really need someone to talk to before i fucking go crazy. i really wish everything is how it used to be. but these last few weeks have been hell. and i know the ones coming up will be too. and the ones after that too. except when i go camping with Mish and my familia. seriously, i know it sounds crazy but for the i billionth time...i need to talk to Lindsey!!!! i hurt so bad i cant do anything. i need to talk to Danny. but im not going to until i talk to Lin first. for certain reasons. but whatever. i want someone to talk to. hasnt anyone noticed that like ever night ive invited someone to sleep over my house or for me to hang out at theirs? thats because i cant be stand to be alone. it hurts so bad to lay there at night and know that no one is there for me when i wake up. at my house or not. whatever. life sucks. and is so unfair. ciao.
Jess at 5:30 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
ok, like i said if you come here. post on my tag board. why? i dunno? im bored and the cable is out, and i ran out of songs to play on my guitar,and i know that Lin is sleeping. soooooooo. whatever. my parents left to go to this meeting at the church for my, as Danny would say, pinata( i cant do the thing over the n.) with a k. but really its a q anyway. ya, so im here watching my sister andcousin. and i really really wish that i could go over Lin's today, cause i really need to talk before i freakin' EXPLODE!!! its all bottled up inside me and Danny told me that it was worse if you kept it there, and yes, hes right. but who the hell can i talk to right now? no one. except Lindsey who is sleeping at this moment. i mean writing it down helps get it out, but who the hell is reading it and understanding it? no one comes here. and i really dont care if anyone does, but i mean. its just like im saying it right back to myself. jesus! someone help me! i really wish i could just call Danny and tell him....well i cant tell him....FUCK!!! what the fuck ever!!!!! im not calling Danny! I WONT! ok, now im yelling at myself. not out loud. but on the inside. which hurts even more. my blog makes me feel worse. but its how i feel. sorry. ciao!
Jess at 9:24 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
Ya, i didnt sleep last night AGAIN! it is really starting to bug me. i went to bed at lke 10:30. then woke up at 11:45. then i woke up at 2 in the morning, then at 3:45. then at 4:20, and couldnt even force myself to go back to bed. i dont get any sleep at night. and when i wake up. the only thing i think about is danny, and what Lin told me. it sucks, and its keeping me wake every night! i cant stop myself though. what the hell am i suppossed to do? time will just have to take its course,and belive me. its gonna be a long one. i thought about the promisei made to Danny at Mandys party. and ya. of course i have to keep it. why? because of love. strong love that he might not have for me, but i have it for him. its still there, and thats whats keepin me from not doing anything totally stupid. i wont. i never will. ever. i dpn t break promises. im gonna go now. ciao.
Jess at 8:34 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Monday, July 19, 2004
my cousin is spending the night, and tomorrow im going swimming at my aunts house. sumthin to look forward to. i just got done making these dirt cup things with my brother. its like choc. pudding with cookies and gummy worms. after what me and danny talked about on the phone. some biohazard shit, it kinda grossed me out. but it was good. not like i really ate a lot of it. im not really into chocolate stuff. im bored. gonna go rent a movie. wish i could talk to Lin. shes probobly sleepin though. Ill call her tomorrow. everyday from now on im gonna right on this thing so i can get my feelings out. it helos in a way. like i said. god im so freakin lonely. cummin homw from my cousins house, i was in the car and i was singing to the all american rejects, and everyhting was good, until a thought or shoul i say "memory" popped into my head about me and Danny, and it just instantly made me sad. then i was sad the whole way home. whatever. life fucking sucks:) aint that just a damn ray of sunshine. ok. ciao.
Jess at 5:03 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
just got home. my friend that i was going to say goodbye to before he left totally blew me off, and was like oh, im leaving in like 20 minutes sorry, you can e-mail me though. and i was just like sure. whatever. i feel like shit, and i really miss danny. cant get over this situation. want to die. but dont want to break my promise that i made to danny the first night i looked into his eyes. ok, this post is getting to painful for me to write. i miss danny. ciao.
Jess at 4:20 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
yep, couldnt sleep last night. stayed up till 4 in the morning. tried to fall asleep to music, but it just kept me awake. the cd has like 21 songs on it and it played like 3 times. whatever. i woke up at 9 this morning, and really feel like crap. im about to go see one of my friends thats moving that im never gonna get to see ever again. hes moving to washington, then hes gonna live in Virginia with his wife. damn. everything applies to Danny doesnt it. anything i say. anything i do. anywhere i go. and people wonder why i cant get over him. ya. i really dont think i will ever completely get over this whole situation. life really fuckin sucks. yes it does:) i got really mad and i dropped my blue guitar on purpose. i figured since it was already cracked, what the hell? i needed to realease my anger in some weird freaking way. its not like i fucking completely broke the damn thing. just a little crack. whatever. peace out people with too much time. ciao!
Jess at 9:59 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Sunday, July 18, 2004
ok. well life sucks sometimes. everything is going really good at home. but im having problem outa the house. whatever. Lin was supposses to spend the night tonight, but i guess her mom said she couldnt. i really wish she was here right now though. i really need to talk to someone. i had my hopes up. but maybe tomorrow night she can come over. i feel like im gonna faint. ever since i tried writing this song on my guitar to day for someone, ive had this really bad headache, and it wont go away, and ive already taken medicine. god i freakin wish i Lindsey was over my house right now. im not gonna be able to sleep tonight. cause i like slept uring the day for like 3-4 hours. ont ask me why either. its cause im really stressed out. i like writing to myself. it feels lke im writing to someone inside me though. kinda weid but i like it. no one reads this stupid thing anymore. an if they o they must have a lot of time on their hands. whatever i really could care less who the hell reads this. i really need a vacation. i cannot wait until me and Michelle go camping. less then 2 weeks. YES!!! no drama. but that doesnt mean im still not gonna be sad. but fuck that. its my time to have hella fun with my best friend and my family out where no one can call or anything. an i wont have to worry cause i wont have to know what the hell is going on. but i already know whats gonna happen. i got it all planned out, and yes. it will happen. i already told Lin what i thougt. well, actually she told me too. whatever. she knows what im taliking about. gonna go watch tv. ciao.
Jess at 9:10 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
i just talked to Lin a little while ago, and we had a very serious talk. it made everything worse, but. some things you have to know, even if you dont want to. she told me some stuff and i just wanted to cry my heart out and die. cry out my tears of anger that are inside of me that i cant let out. im getting the worst of everything. life is so unfair. i hate it. Lin is gonna help me through this. but after everything happens, im still not gonna be cured of all the pain that was inside of me. some of it will always be there. forever. i hurt. i hurt so bad its like i can feel it tearing me apart on the inside. i feel like i died for a little while. and then came back to a life of hell. but really... ive been alive this whole time. pain. such an amazing word...
Jess at 3:04 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
ok, so i actually convinced myself to talk to danny, cause ya know, i just didnt know what to....ya. whatever. i was in the shower when he called back, but of course i got out to talk to him. then we talked for like an hour. if you think about it, thats kinda a long time. anyways. i told him about how i hurt those couple of days, and i told him that i was finding ways to make me happy. but um, i was happy until it like really hit me. last night. i just hate it. all these feelings wont go away! the feelings that first hit me the couple of days after we split. and i think they hurt more this time, cause i know that were farther apart. i was laying in my bed half asleep,. barely awake, and i just thought about something i havent thought about in a long time. i htought about every kiss. i know it might seem like a lot, but every single one of them came into my mind, and i hadent even thought about all of them when we first split. it hurt, so much. i remembered every single one, and i just couldnt get them out of my head i just wanted to kill myself! not literally. but then other things came into mind, im just going crazy thinking about them right now. ahhhhhhhh!!!! everytime i went over his house, everytime he came over mine. laying next to each other in our beds whether it was mine or his. who the fuck cares. we layed on his freakin' driveway for christ sake! i hate myself!!! i cant handle this. it sucks. everyone thinks its just so freakin' easy to like someone else. NO! its not! and i wont force myself to. thats just a completely stupid thing to do! i need to talk. to someone that understands. but really only a couple people do. i hurt. more than ever. and ive said that before. those exact words. but when you read those words this time, just imagine more. more pain. because its true. and i dont want ANYONE to feel bad for me cause thats not what im getting at. thats one thing i hate. when people feel sorry for me. i have to do this on my own. or maybe with a little help. i have to get through this one way or another. its just gonna take time. a lot of time. why am i even writing this. no one reads. it. but i cant keep it bottled up inside me, so instead of talking to people and telling it to there faces, why cant i just write my feelings here, where noone really cares. except me. oh well. whatever. it helps in a way to write everything down this way, and not let anyone be able to find out unless they read this stupid blog. ok. gonna go now. my little things that make me a little happy seem to help for a little while, so im gonna try and go do that right now. ciao.
Jess at 9:28 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Saturday, July 17, 2004
danny is still sexy... forever! im talking to michelle right now and im not really listening to what shes saying, but ya. whoop whoop. just got off the phone danny and im glad that i didnt make him feel too weird that day at the park. i was soaking wet cause i just got out of the shower, but i would do anything to talk to Danny. ok, gotta go get ready for my days birthday party. ciao!
Jess at 2:52 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪
ya, these last few days ive been really feelin' bad on the inside. even if im having fun or doing sumthin i like. ive felt like shit ever since last wednesday afternoon. it really sucks ass. i mean, something as simple as a picture can change your thoughts and bring back so many memories. its kinda scary. my thoughts havent changed about a certain person. but im just feelin how i did when i split from this person, and i havent felt like that in a long time. it hurts. and i havent hurt in a while, cause ive been happy,and dont get me wrong, im still happy, but then that little spark of sadness just pops out of nowhere and i feel like shit. its like. boom. and it just hits me out of nowhere, and i hate the feeling. ive been meaning to call this person for about 3 days and apologize for, ya whatever. but i just havent talked to him in a while and i feel sad. too many things are running through my head at once and i cant handle it. i try to think of the positive things, and i think of this person cause they make me SO happy, but then when i think of this person, about a billion memories run through my head, and it hurts. recent memories and past memories. most of them make me smile, of course. but some of them just make me sit there and wonder, why? i was laying in my bed the other day staring at my ceiling. looking at my picture of us together, pictures of scotland, two big beautiful blue eyes, a painting i made of the hills and the little house beyond the fence at the running spot, the faceplate off of his watch(i just found it, and decided that since it was a part of him i might as well include it) the rose he through on my bed the last time he came over my house, the spoon that i used at the jello party at school, the ticket from the baseball game that we went to together, the picture that he took of our hands the last time that i went over his house before we split, they were so ellegant and innocent looking, but yet so beautiful, and of course, my poster across my entire ceiling. i know you probobly think im crazy for keeping stuff like pieces of his watch and a spoon, but they all remind me of memories that i shared with him, and ones that i never want to forget. everytime i stare at my ceiling before i go to bed or lay down, i want to scream. but i cant. because there would be no point in screaming about somebody that i love. forever. so i might as well just sit there and stare at it everyday, and think the same thing over and over. why? why me. why o i have to go through this. an then after im done thinking. i know it sounds crazy, but i think about...him. but not the same way i do when i look at my pictures and things. i think about him being happy, and it makes me happy, and thats what ive been trying to do lately, and its working so ya. i know you might not get what im trying to say when i look at all my stuff about us an it makes me sad, then i think about you and i t makes me happy, but, some things you just cant explain. maybe some things are meant to be like that. i love him...so much.
Jess at 9:36 AM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ Monday, July 12, 2004
my blog is so dead! :) i never update anymore. well, now that i think about it theres like no point in doing so because, well ya. i know that no one reads it but what can i say, im really bored and have nothing else to do! michelle just left my house and now um..... IM BORED! i called lindsey, but of course shes asleep. whats new! j/p. but ya. i hope that danny can stay at her house when he gets back from arizona because i would feel so much better about everything. i really hope he doesnt have to ride the bus cause if anything happened to him i dont know what i would do. i just want him to be safe. thats all, and of course i would miss him WAY too much! i couldnt lose him. ummmmmm. today me michelle and my sister went to look at my quinceanera dress( yes thats how you spell it!crazy, i know!) but um , i ended up finding one that i really really liked and it was 500 dollars and to put it on hold we had to put a downpayment of 250 on it. this whole thing is going to be REALLY expensive, but were doing it anyway! i mean, the tiara i was going to get was 150 dollars! i thought that was a little crazy for a little beaded crown. but everything is really pretty and we picked out the dresses that the girls are gonna wear and we just gotta get the guys tuxes. ok, im gonna go now, but im gonna call Danny later. so chow. bye!!
Jess at 3:59 PM | Comment ♪♪♪♪♪ |
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